Dear Aoibh
I have become aware over the past week that during my journey through grief I am going to have to face a lot of firsts… first time I see your cousins again, first time I look through your baby clothes, first time I see work colleagues again, first time someone who doesn’t know your story asks me how my baby is etc etc.
Today I decided to face a few of these ‘firsts’ head on, namely to see your cousins, and also to look through your baby stuff.
Seeing your Rawdon cousins today, or atleast 3 of 4 of them, was as wonderful as I knew it would be. It was so lovely to spend time with them and have my mind taken off the loss of you for a brief moment in time. As I think back on it now I do feel sad. I feel sad that, although I know you will always be part of our family, your cousins will have no real memory of you, and I feel sad for you. I feel sad that you will not experience the absolute delight of playing with your cousins, of waking up in your grandparents house and having sausages and muffins with your granda at the kitchen island, or gathering together to celebrate birthdays. I am particularly sad that you will not get to meet your newest cousin who is due to arrive any day now. I know you would have been the best of friends and my heart aches that we as a family will not get to see that friendship blossom.
Although I am clear as to why I wanted to see your cousins today, I am less clear as to why I wanted to look through your baby clothes. I had planned to go to our house with your dad for a few hours and try to ignore your bedroom and I really thought I would not open that door. However I felt almost drawn to it, I had an overwhelming urge to see your pram and touch the clothes we bought for you. I touched every inch of the pram and I cried, and I took your clothes out of the wardrobe and I cried more. But weirdly after the tears I felt a little better. I know I will cry again when I next go into that room, and maybe a dozen times after that, but I am glad to have faced that ‘first’ head on.
Thank you for giving me the strength to get through today.
Forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 