My dearest Aoibh
As I write this I am waiting for the midwife to arrive to complete a check up on me. I can’t help but compare it to what I was doing this time exactly a week ago- waiting to attend your funeral.
They say that your world can change completely in a moment. I don’t think I really appreciated how true that is before now. As hard as I try I am not yet able to get my head around my new identity, the 32 year old woman who is grieving the loss of her 2 day old daughter.
These thoughts about my new identity make me think about the panic I experienced about my new identity before your birth. Was I ready to be a mum, how would I cope, were your father and I responsible enough to look after another human?! These questions and so many more that unfortunately I have not had the opportunity to answer. Maybe sleep deprivation would have made me a very grumpy mum, maybe I would have felt overwhelmed, maybe I would have been a relaxed mum who took it all in her stride… who knows.
I remember when the ambulance staff brought you past me in your incubator on your way to the children’s hospital. The staff told me to talk to you, but I didn’t know what to say. I remember thinking that I didn’t know how to talk to a new born baby, what words would be the right words? I was also conscious of this huge team of professionals standing around us observing how I was managing the situation, how I was coping as a new mum. As you left I again had a panic about my new identity, maybe I wasn’t up to the job of being the mum of such a special baby.
I know for sure that someone somewhere was praying for me to have the strength to face these fears head on, and when I was finally reunited with you I suddenly found my strength. I didn’t care about the doctors standing around me, I only knew for certain that my most important job as a mum was to make sure that you knew how much your father and I loved you.
My favourite memory, other than the moment that I first saw your face, was the moment that, despite all the sedation medication that you were on, I kissed your chest and for a brief moment you opened your eyes and I felt like you were looking into my soul and reassuring me that all would be ok. I will cherish that memory forever, and I hope that in my darkest days that memory will allow me to keep going and working towards a brighter day.
Someone said to me during your wake that you were so lucky because in your short life all you knew was love. I really hope that is true, and I promise to try and lead my life in a way that continues to show you every day how much you were, and always will be loved.
Forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 