My beautiful Aoibh
Yesterday I decided to go through your baby bag. I definitely had not realised when I was packing it just how full of hope that bag was.
As with so many things over the last few weeks I am not sure why I decided that yesterday was the right day to go through your bag. It was painful, therapeutic, heart wrenching and comforting all at the same time.
This experience was made so much easier by the fact that I had your Granny Rawdon by my side. I was able to talk through each item one by one. So many hats, socks, mittens, vests and baby grows and we lovingly went through every single item in turn.
So many items that you never got to see never mind wear, but I am so glad to be able to say that there were a few items in there that you did wear. For a baby who only had two short days on this earth, you went through an awful lot of hats!! Now I am able to hold them and know when I do, that there was a time when they touched your beautiful skin. Also in the bag is probably one of my most cherished items, your pink fluffy socks. I didn’t get much chance to dress you, but I was able to put on your socks on our final day together. Those socks were such a contrast to all the wires etc attached to your tiny body- a tiny blast of happiness in a sea of pain.
After we went through each item in your bag and shed a lot of tears, we folded up each item and placed it back in the bag. As I did so I could not help but wonder what the future will bring for those clothes. Will I want to look at them again, or maybe they will stay in that bag untouched for a long time to come? Maybe your father and I might even be lucky enough to look at those clothes again in the future at a time when we experiencing the hope of new life once more.
Regardless of what happens I know for sure that I do not regret buying those items. It is hard to really recall the hope I felt when I packed that bag now, but I know it was there, and with all my heart I pray that there will come a time when it will be there again.
All my love, forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 