Dear Aoibh
As I write this the house is quiet. Your granny is out and your Dad is asleep. I’m not sure yet whether the quiet brings me comfort or pain. I suppose, as with everything now it is a mixture of both.
Someone told me following your death that I will now forever carry you in my thoughts and I can remember thinking that surely that cannot be true. Surely my brain will allow me time to focus, even just momentarily, on other things.
However it is true, I find that my mind is now almost spilt in two. I can focus on other tasks and conversations and thankfully I have also found the strength to still smile and laugh, but I am constantly aware of the thought of you in another part of my mind. Sometimes it is happy thoughts such as your choice to spend the last month of my pregnancy with a foot stuck in one of my ribs or waking me at 4am every single morning with a very firm kick. And sometimes it is sad thoughts such as all the wonderful experiences that you and I are now missing out on. And sometimes it is simply the image of your face in my mind. But I am glad that the thought of you is always there. I know that you will be with me wherever my journey now takes me, how lucky am I to have an angel looking after me always.
I had the weirdest realisation on the way to your funeral as I sat with you by my side. I realised that if I could get through that day then fear and worry will no longer have a hold on me. You see Aoibh, I have always been a bit of a worrier. I have lost count of the amount of time I have missed sleep as I have been worrying about how to deal with an issue at work, how I will manage in a meeting, how I will cope with any potential conflict etc etc. But in that moment as we drove towards our final goodbye, I realised that if I could find the strength on that day, then everything else in life will be easier. If I had the strength to let you go, then I can’t imagine any obstacle being too much of a challenge for me now.
I feel that in your short life you have given us many many gifts and I am sure I will continue to write to you and tell you about each of those gifts in turn, but for now I am particularly grateful for the strength you have given me and everyone else who has been touched by you.
All my love, forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 