My dearest Aoibh
I have to be honest, and you probably already know this but the last few days have been tough. I woke up this morning after crying myself to sleep last night and struggling to find a peaceful rest. Needless to say my motivation to get out of bed was significantly lacking. Thankfully I pushed through my desire to hide away today.
I’m not sure why the last few days have been particularly tough but I know that I have struggled to banish the darker thoughts from my mind…. was any of this my fault? Did I do something when pregnant that affected the outcome for you? Did I not do enough? And so on and on they spin around my mind. The mind really can be the cruelest and loneliest of places.
I am conscious that it would be easy to keep those darker thoughts to myself and slowly they would build and slowly they would eat away at me. It is such a cliche but it really is good to talk.
I am glad to say that I have the most wonderful people around me encouraging me to talk every day. I think this allows me to focus on the brighter thoughts. I am so lucky to have such kindness in my life. I have people who are gentle with me, people who sit beside me and allow me to just shed my many many tears, people who push me to do activities every day and people who make me smile through the tears.
Today reminded me once more of all that kindness. I talked, cried, laughed and drank way too much hot chocolate (and definitely not enough gin!) And after all of that I felt better. As I write this I am conscious that the physical pain in my chest is a little less than this morning.
Of course I also cannot forget the part you are playing in my healing process. More and more so I find myself talking to you each day, whether that be through these letters, at your grave side or simply chatting to you as I get ready for bed each night and I love each of those moments.
I hope with all my heart that you are out there somewhere watching over your father and I.
All my love
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 