Dear Aoibh
I used to think that when you woke me every night at 4am you were letting me know how you planned to spend your nights following your birth. As I think about it now maybe you knew the importance of those moments and what you were actually doing was giving me the gift of a little bit more time with you. I can’t pretend that I didn’t complain about your night owl tendencies, I complained about it a lot! That said I did enjoy creeping downstairs in the middle of the night and embracing the quiet with you. In those moments it was just you and I against the world.
Last night I once more woke at 4am. For the briefest of moments I forgot all that had happened but then it all came flooding back. Instead of feeling you twirl and kick all I felt was emptiness. I hate that I am starting to forget how it felt to be kicked by you.
Following your death my body continued to prepare for motherhood and the day before your funeral my milk arrived. It broke my heart and your dad held me as I cried and asked why my body was making me go through this. Now my body is slowly returning to its pre pregnancy form and I hate that too as it makes me feel a little bit more distant from you every day.
Although in time my mind may completely forget the physical sensation of those kicks I promise I will never forget all the wonderful times we had together before you even entered this world.
Feel free to kick me in my dreams at 4am whenever you want!
Forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 