My beautiful Aoibh
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day which marks the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week. Your Dad and I marked it by attending a Wave of Light event where we lit a candle and spent a few moments with other parents remembering you and all the other babies taken too soon.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who were there, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, so much sadness in that moment. If I am completely honest I am annoyed and disappointed in myself today. I am annoyed that it has taken my own pain to be fully aware of this pain in others before me. Before this year I was not aware of Baby Loss Awareness Week and all that this means. I wonder if perhaps I chose to ignore it, ignore a topic that is too sad to even consider it as a potential for myself or others. I suppose pregnancy is all about positivity and no one really wants to be reminded of the alternative.
When I was pregnant every person to whom I spoke regarding your heart condition spoke about all the positive stories, of all the odds in our favour, of all the successful heart surgeries. We were shown the hospital ward that you would be on following your heart surgery and the ward you would be on when you were well enough to be moved to a hospital closer to home. Only moments were spent showing us the Intensive Care Unit and the low likelihood of you spending any significant time on that ward was stressed and reiterated. In reality you spent the majority of your short life on that ward and never got the chance to even see the others.
I know the risks were definitely implied when doctors would refer to the seriousness of your heart condition but the conversation always came back to the need for positivity. Since you have gone I have wondered a number of times if maybe someone should have prepared us more, spoken to us bluntly about the fact that there was a chance we were going to go home without you.
I know in my heart however that positivity was exactly what we needed. It was that positivity that allowed me to daydream about what your life would be like, what type of person you would be. It allowed me to daydream about how I might announce your birth, detail your progress, announce that we were finally bringing you home. It was that positivity that allowed me to drive to Dublin on 9th September and feel hope and excitement about meeting you, blissfully unaware of the path we were about to take.
I know that every mother to be needs and deserves that same positivity but I also know that every year from now on I will mark this week and in particular this day. For you and for all the other babies who have gone, and I will hope against hope that no one else has to carry this pain.
Forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 