14th November 2018

My dearest Aoibh

Today has been a busy day, busy is good but it is also exhausting and I’ve come to realise that it has to be balanced by quiet moments.

I met with friends which was so lovely and then on my way home I decided to (finally) part with my maternity notes. As I walked along I allowed myself a moment to think of the first time I walked those steps full of nervous excitement. I dropped the notes off in the place where I felt that you and I properly started our journey together- the hospital where I had my 12 week scan, where I saw you for the very first time and watched your beautiful heart flutter on the screen and my world completely changed.

Tonight for the first time since we said goodbye I am staying at home by myself. It is not lost on me that in an parallel universe I should be feeling anxious that your Dad has left me to look after you alone for the first time. Instead I am anxious about coping just looking after myself.

It has taken time but I realise now that the person I was before you is gone, I am no longer her. I know this to be true in so many ways but particularly tonight I am aware that before you I had no problem staying at home by myself while your Dad worked, in fact I quite enjoyed it. I watched rubbish TV and pottered around the house, fully content in my own company. Now, it has taken me 2 months to work up to being by myself overnight again, I had to set it as a goal, had to slowly work towards it and try not to fear it.

A very wise doctor told me that I would never get over losing you but in time I would learn to grow around it. I think I am only just beginning to learn that what really means.

The only way I can describe myself without you is like a jigsaw with a missing piece. It doesn’t matter how much time passes between doing the jigsaw, and it doesn’t matter how many different ways you try to put it together again. You might not even notice that a piece is missing until you look very closely, but it is and the jigsaw will never be complete again without it.

Still, with all this said I promise I have not lost my hope, and although the experience of you has completely changed me, I know this new me is stronger, more resilient and ready to learn to embrace whatever is to come.

Now to go and eat a packet of biscuits as I binge on ridiculously rubbish TV!

Forever yours

Mum xx