My beautiful Aoibh
When I last wrote to you I felt that perhaps it was going to be my last letter to you, that finally having the answers from those who had looked after you was maybe a natural end. I did not expect it but I have really missed writing to you and as Christmas has approached the urge to write to you again has become stronger.
A lot of people have talked to me about how difficult Christmas would potentially be but to be honest the run up to it hasn’t been too bad. Thinking about it now I realise that, unlike most other parents, we did not get the opportunity to dream too much about your first Christmas and I wonder if that has helped in a weird way. From the time we found out that you had TGA this Christmas became uncertain. We did not know if we would still be in hospital or we would be lucky enough to have you at home. I don’t know about your Dad, but I don’t think I once let myself dream of what Christmas 2018 could be. When Christmas Day arrived I felt your absence like a sharp pain in my heart. I woke early and like dozens of times before your Dad held me as I cried and thought of you. I have found that I miss you most in the small moments, on Christmas Day my heart ached as we went for a walk with family and my hands felt empty. I should have been pushing a pram, tucking a blanket around you to keep you warm, looking at you warm and cosy and thinking about how lucky we are to have you. All that said I will not look back at this Christmas and think of pain, I will only think of the love of family which surrounded us.
I can’t believe that it is now nearly 4 months since I last touched your skin. As I sit and look back at the year that was and wonder what 2019 will be, I can’t help but think of all the things that I have both lost and learned since we said goodbye.
You have taught me so much, I have learnt that grief is my companion for life but that it can be the thing that pushes me forward and ensures that I embrace all the good days, rather than holding me back. I have also realised that I can face things that I never thought I could. When I first lost you one of my immediate thoughts was that I could never return to work, I thought I would never be able to face the place that when I last walked away from it I was dreaming of a completely different future. But yet here I am preparing to dip my toes back into work in a few short weeks. Most importantly of all, I have learnt that the love of family and wonderful friends really can get me through anything.
For now, the list of things that I feel I have lost still seems a lot longer, but the one that I keep thinking about at the minute is my laugh. When I was pregnant with you I became aware of a slight change in my laugh, it felt that it was coming from a different place, deeper within me. I wonder now if it was a laugh of contentment, a laughter that came straight from my soul. I now sometimes catch glimpses of myself when I laugh or smile and can see that the sparkle has gone, that for now it is missing.
I have no idea what the next 12 months will bring, I’m not brave enough yet to dream of what could be, but I am determined to try and find my sparkle again and search for that laugh. I long to hear it, and when I do I have no doubt that it will have been you, quietly working behind the scenes to give it back to me.
Forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 