My dearest Aoibh
Ever since you left us I have hoped that you would show me a sign, anything that would let us know that your spirit still exists somewhere and is keeping an eye on us, gently guiding and reassuring. What I wanted most of all was to see you in a dream. I imagined that in that dream we would be doing all the things we didn’t get to do; sleepy mornings together, walks and games in the park, cuddles at night.
I can remember in the early days someone said to me ‘I suppose you are dreaming about her all the time’. I wasn’t and it made me angry. Angry at my own consciousness for not allowing me the relief of seeing you again, angry at myself that maybe the fact that I wasn’t dreaming about you meant I didn’t love you as much as I should or that I was less of a mother. In my most warped days I was even a little angry at you, that in some ridiculous way you had made a decision not to appear to me in a dream.
I then read that some believe that loved ones do not appear in dreams in the early days of grief as it would be too difficult and our minds are protecting us from being re-traumatised. This gave me a little comfort and I told myself that you would appear when both you and I were ready.
A few weeks ago a received a letter from you in a dream, it was short (not like my own long ramblings to you) and it told me that things would be ok. I wondered whether a letter was all that my mind would allow me to have. But then a few nights ago, completely unexpectedly you arrived. It certainly was a strange dream and some would say it was sad, reminding me of all I lost and could not get back, but to see your face and see the smile that I will never get to see meant everything to me.
Life has been busy recently, I have done a few days at work and for the first time in a long time I have had to actually put things in my diary again. All these things are open to interpretation but I choose to believe that the dream was reassurance that grief and ‘normality’ can sit side by side, that it is ok to keep going and pushing forward to find my new normal.
I suppose this is just a very very long winded way of saying thank you, thank you for showing me your smile and letting me know that you are ok, what a wonderful gift.
All my love
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 