20th April 2019

My dearest Aoibh

Its hard to believe how quickly time passes. This morning I looked at your letters for the first time in a long time. I can’t believe that we are now closer to marking your first birthday than we are to when we first said hello.

The last few months have all been about the ‘normal’, in particular getting back to work full time. Having structure and routine have definitely helped, and getting back to work is a huge goal achieved, but with that comes the implication to the outside world that all is ok now.

In the early days of losing you I just wanted to get through. I wanted to stop the tears and somehow get rid of the ball of pain in my heart. I wanted to show the world my strength, show myself that I could cope, show you my love by not giving up. Now, in a strange way I miss those days. I miss having space and time to sit and think about you, to talk about you, to daydream, to cry.

For some reason I had decided in my own head that I would know I was ok when the tears stopped. I realise now, with the help of a psychologist, that tears are in no way a measure of how well I might be coping. I spend most of my psychology sessions crying, and that’s ok. I cry because of how much I miss you, I cry when I think of how short our collective story is, I cry for the might have beens and I cry for what the future may or may not hold for us. And after all that, I feel ok.

I used to think that I knew what the consultant in Dublin meant when she said that we would never get over you, but in time we would learn to grow around you. I think I am really only just beginning to understand it now. It’s not easy to find a way of embracing life but also allowing space for grief to lead the way. It’s hard to allow those things to co exist, but I know that there is a way, I’m just at the beginning of figuring it out.

As always I think that it is mainly the love and support of others that guides me through. I think sometimes people worry about sharing their happy times or sad times with me, maybe they worry that I’m not strong enough yet to deal with either. But life is all about those moments and it feels like a privilege now when I can share those moments and walk with others a little while, just like they did with me.

I certainly haven’t got this all figured out yet, and there are definitely still days when I have no idea how to move forward. But there are also days that I can smile, laugh and be happy, and that’s ok too.

All my love

Mum xx