“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow”.
My beautiful Aoibh,
So many people have spoken to me about the stages of grief and I really thought I had a good grasp of what to expect. I was wrong. I did not expect that for me these stages would be mixed together in a big pot of grief, each coming to the surface on different days in different strengths. Shock, denial, anger, guilt, acceptance… I feel that I am on an unending loop, and unfortunately over the last few days I seem to have got stuck on guilt.
Before your birth I had so many professionals talking to me about their role in your care. Midwives, nurses, obstetricians, paediatricians, cardiologists all with such confidence in knowing exactly what they would be doing to look after you. No one really spoke about my role, but I knew exactly what it was. My role was to remain completely focused during labour and to ensure that you arrived as quickly as possible so that all these other wonderful people could do their job. Up until now I had thought that I did an ok job. Labour was relatively quick, and when I was told it was time for you to arrive I focused on listening to the midwife and doing exactly what I was told when I was told to do it.
Now however I seem to have a little voice in my head doubting these previous relatively positive thoughts. Maybe I didn’t push hard enough, maybe I could have got you out quicker, maybe that would have changed the ultimate outcome. I then I go back further in my mind, maybe my diet resulted in you not being quite as strong as you could have been when born, maybe I didn’t rest enough, maybe I rested too much, maybe something I did in early pregnancy resulted in your heart defect in the first place. In short, maybe I brought this all on myself, and even worse brought this pain on you, your Dad and everyone else who loved you.
I know these are dark unhelpful thoughts and I also know (or maybe just hope) that in time I will be strong enough to rid these thoughts from my mind and ‘accept’ that I could do nothing to change the path of your short journey.
I made a promise to you that I would be strong for you and I promise I will not let you down but I think for today atleast my courage is just a whisper rather than a roar.
Forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 