My dearest Aoibh
Today you would have been 1 month old. I am writing this as I lay in bed unable to sleep. My mind is struggling to slow down as I have been thinking about all that has happened since we welcomed you into the world a month ago. It feels like only a brief moment since you were lifted up into my arms and I felt that surge of love at first sight, and yet at the very same time it feels like forever ago since I last touched your skin.
The last time I wrote to you I was feeling weak and although I know I will feel that weakness again and again I am glad to be able to say that today I have felt a little bit of strength creep back into my bones. I am sure that you played a part in this and acted through my wonderful family and friends to remind me once more of all the love and support that surrounds you and I.
As you know Aoibh I seem to have unconsciously decided that I am going to deal with my grief head on at any given opportunity. Today was no different when I decided to do some shopping in Mothercare.
When I first entered the shop I silently chastised myself for thinking I could do this, but ultimately I feel much better for having done it. After all I was there for a very important reason, to choose a gift for your beautiful new cousin Éireann. I spent so long trying to pick the perfect gift for such a special baby, and I really did enjoy the experience of looking through all the beautiful baby clothes. I even allowed myself a brief moment to imagine a parrellel world where I would still be picking a outfit for your cousin but also using it as an opportunity to pick a new outfit for you.
While in the queue to pay I was struck by the sight of two women doing their shopping. One looked to be heavily pregnant and was looking at Christmas baby grows, and the other was a mum with her new born baby. I would have given anything in that moment to be either of those women.
As with so many of these things I can’t help but compare today to previous memories. The one that comes to mind is your Dad and I going to visit your Auntie Vicky and Nanny and deciding to have quick look in Mothercare while we were there. I was barely 12 weeks pregnant but I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to immerse myself in the excitement of pregnancy and to share it with your Dad and his family. We looked at baby clothes, maternity clothes, nursery furniture and prams. I loved every moment of that shopping trip, even if most of it was spent persuading your dad that we didn’t need a rocking chair with matching rocking foot stool!!
I can’t help but wonder if I will ever feel that excitement again. I hope that one day your father and I will go on to have a brother or sister for you but I doubt I will feel that fizz of excitement again. I suppose one of the many heart breaking things about this journey is the stark knowledge that in this life there are no certainties, and the burden of knowledge that comes only with a loss such as this will be carried with me during any future pregnancies. Although that being said, I know that you will also walk that journey with me, how wonderful it will be to have an angel looking after me.
Talk soon, forever yours
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 