10th September 2019

My dearest Aoibh

Happy 1st birthday my darling girl. Today I have spent the day thinking of all the different parts of your story; from our arrival to the hospital in Dublin, to my labour and your arrival into the world, to your transfer to the children’s hospital and then, after 2 short days having to say goodbye to you.

I hate that as time moves on I struggle to remember all the details of those days. I vividly remember the moment you were born and how for a brief moment they let me hold you. I can still feel your warm skin on mine. But then I can’t properly remember our final moments together. I don’t know if I spoke to you, or told you how much we love you. I can only hope that you felt our love in that moment.

I have learnt a lot about myself and about grief in the last year. I have realised that grief is in no way linear, instead it is like a scribble on a page, sometimes hard to predict when the pain will hit or when you will get to the other side. I can remember in those early days without you wishing that the pain would lessen. But weirdly now I look back and sometimes miss those days, miss the comfort that comes from being so close to the loss and all the memories of you.

I miss you every day, it’s hurts that we will never celebrate a birthday together and I will never get to watch you grow. I also think of the fact that one day hopefully our family will be larger and you not get to be the amazing big sister I know you would been.

I have definitely changed as a person in the last year, and learnt a lot about myself and that is all thanks to you. I know in my heart that you are keeping an eye on all of us, and you will always be our guiding light. You are the reason that we keep pushing forward and being grateful all the rainbows on our path. I promise that we will celebrate your birthday every year by eating cake and thinking of how lucky we are that we got to have an angel like you in our lives.

Love always

Mum xxx