My dearest Aoibh
It has been a funny few months since I last wrote to you, full of hope, fear, relief, anxiety, grief, happiness. In August we found out that you were going to be a big sister. In that moment I was awash with both relief that we had a chance to be parents again, and fear that we might have two babies whose stories end the same way.
Pregnancy after loss is pretty exhausting and confusing. I live for the moments that your little brother or sister kicks me, and then as soon as the moment passes I hold my breath until the next kick, the next bit of reassurance that life continues to grow inside me. I like to imagine that you are there somewhere being a wiser older sister, advising that your mother is a little highly strung and the easiest option is to just kick, or be plagued with poking and prodding.
I have found myself worrying about not only heart conditions, but also all the other reasons I know why babies die. I suppose that is the scarring of trauma, my mind’s go to is to decide that the only possible outcome for me is to have to say goodbye to another baby.
A few weeks ago your dad and I sat in a familiar waiting room waiting for a doctor to see us, the same doctor who told ever so gently that you had TGA . I had prepared myself to be told the same thing again this time, geared myself up for sympathetic faces and apologies. Thankfully we didn’t hear those words. The doctor was as great as I remembered him. He told us quickly that the baby didn’t have TGA, done so with a gentle smile, and a quiet acknowledgement that the appointment was an important part of our journey, but not the full story.
For now, I am trying hard to focus on the potential that we might bring your little sister or brother home. I have went through your stuff, working out what we might use, and made a list of what we still need. I’m working hard to embrace the hope and allowing myself to dream of the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. I think the key is holding onto my belief that as long as I have you to guide the path, things will be ok in the end.
All my love
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 