1st January 2021

My dearest Aoibh

Happy New Year my darling. In all honesty I am not a big fan of the New Year, it makes me feel a step further away from you which I hate, but it also allows me an opportunity to reflect on the years without you.

2018 was a big year, it started with finding out that I was pregnant with you and ended with me struggling to find my way without you. 2019 didn’t feel much easier. I remember it being a year of fear, fear that I wouldn’t get the chance to parent again and then, even when I was pregnant I was consumed by fear that I would have to say goodbye to another baby. 2020 has undoubtedly been an incredibly difficult year for a lot of people and definitely a year like no other but for me I feel like it was also the year that I began to find myself again.
I will remember 2020 as the year that not only did I receive the most amazing gift that is your little brother, but also the year that I felt stronger. I feel like I have become more resilient, more comfortable with my role as a mum to your brother whilst also ensuring that I am still the best mum I can be for you. I have realised that it’s ok to have good days and bad days, and to not feel guilty on those good days, but also that mum guilt is just part of the job!

During this coming month I will have my final 1:1 psychology session. I have been having these sessions for 2 years and they have been such a huge support. As a mental health practitioner I should probably already know the benefit of talking, but it wasn’t until I was the one being asked to talk that I realised its true power. My psychologist has seen an awful lot of tears from me, and I’m sure there will be a few more before I say goodbye, but it feels good to be at the point of feeling confident enough to not need those regular sessions anymore, reassurance as to how far I’ve come in the last 12 months.

I think 2020 has taught us all not to take anything for granted, and I certainly have no idea what the next 12 months will bring. All I can hope is that I continue to use the strength you gave me to be the best mum I can be to both of my children.

All my love

Mum xx