My dearest Aoibh
I have spent so much of the last few months thinking about this pregnancy and the differences compared to yours. I have thought about and pushed myself to be more prepared this time. I have bought more stuff, washed lots of baby clothes, set up the nursery and tried to let myself dream of what might be. But all these actions come with the fear that I might once more have to face packing everything away and cope with the acute pain of loss again. My mind, in a desire to protect me from future pain I guess continuously reminds me that things can and do go wrong, and if I’m honest it can be exhausting fighting that fear each day.
I am also conscious that should everything go to plan and we get to experience the joy of bringing a baby home, there is pain there too. One of the joys of being pregnant again is being able to compare your story with that of your little brother or sister. To think about how differently my body has coped with pregnancy, how the patterns of kicking etc is different and soon enough I will also have 2 labour stories to compare. However there is also a time coming when comparison will no longer be possible. I think one of most painful things about losing a baby is the loss of a future, the loss of all future milestones. I am so excited about the potential of being a parent again and getting to experience those milestones with my baby, but I know I will always be thinking of what you have missed out on each step of the way.
I also can’t ignore the fact that the world we are living in currently was unimaginable just a few months ago. Due to coronavirus pregnant women are now facing pregnancy with less support and I have had to think of the potential that should your dad get the virus he would not be allowed at the birth. I am also aware that following the birth we have been told to self isolate again and that no visitors are allowed. I am sure I will look back on this pregnancy and think about antenatal classes being cancelled, going to antenatal appointments where I have been ushered quickly through empty GP surgeries to be seen, or having an appointment with a consultant who is wearing full PPE for a routine scan.
All I can hope for is that I get to labour without me or your father coming into contact with the virus, and hope that we won’t have to wait too long before we can properly introduce your little brother or sister to the world.
And for now I am just sitting writing this in the middle of the night, thinking of all the hours of sleep I also lost with you at the same stage of pregnancy. I am trying hard to not be too anxious about labour and hoping that you will be there keeping a close eye on how things are going. I would also like to ask you to make it a pain free experience but I think that may be pushing my luck!
All my love
Mum xx
Dear Aoibh 